YS 5-13 A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

1 Previously on Young Sheldon - Here we are.

- What is this? The dorm room.

It's all yours.

Now you can study, take naps, do whatever you want.

No one's living here? Well, we had an Indian exchange student, but he developed a taste for barbecue, so his parents made him go home.

Wait, he has a room here and at school? You have your own room.

I never had that growing up.

And then I was in the barracks, and then I married your mother.

[chuckles.]

: Dang.

Yeah, tell me about it.

What happened to appreciating what you have? Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

- Wait, you have a single? - Uh-huh.

And you don't even sleep here? Well, sometimes I take naps, but that mattress is lumpy, lumpy.

ADULT SHELDON: I was learning to enjoy the perks of university life, including a dorm to study and nap in.

And since this was college, I was even allowed to have girls in my room.

Here we go.

Nice and clean.

Did you use the unscented detergent? You've got a nose.

Sniff it yourself.

ADULT SHELDON: I even had my own bathroom, which gave me the perfect place to store my impressive collection of sunscreens and bug repellents.

However, one thing I would never get used to was college students' love of blasting rock and roll music.

[video game music playing.]

[grunts.]

[music continues.]

Uh, who are you? I'm in the room next door.

Oh, you're that smart kid.

Who is it? That smart kid.

- Tell him to come in.

- Want to come in? - No, I'm here to complain.

- He's here to complain.

- Then don't let him in.

- You can't come in.

I'm trying to study, and your loud music is very distracting.

- You mean the game? - "The game"? I'm not up on today's one-named pop stars.

No.

It's a video game.

You have video games? A bunch.

You play? My meemaw and I beat Quest of Adeera.

Dude, this kid beat Adeera.

- Well, tell him to come in.

- Come in.

- Hello.

- What's up, homey? Why do you have a Rosetta stone poster? - Linguistics major.

- Hmm.

Sit.

You can play next.

So, how old are you? Twelve.

- Damn.

- DARREN: And they let you live here by yourself? That room's just for during the day to study.

Didn't I see some lady in there? That must've been my mom.

Dude, his mom is hot.

What is wrong with you? Don't listen to him.

He thinks any female with a pulse is hot.

I don't think your mom is hot.

Congratulations, you're more mature than him.

Don't feel bad.

I'm more mature than most people.

You're up. 네 차례야

ADULT SHELDON: Grown-ups and the elderly had always liked me, and now I had won over undergrads.

Like a beloved board game, I'm fun for ages nine to 90.

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man Oh, look at these prices.

I could make this dress for Missy.

MISSY: Meemaw, make her stop.

Come on, Mary.

You already got one kid that gets picked on.

Oh, cute.

Oh, it's a little short.

It's supposed to be this length.

It's adorable.

Thank you.

Does it come down any? Mom.

Come on, Mary, it's fine.

Well, you're not getting it.

All my friends dress like this.

- Arms by your sides.

I want to measure.

- [Missy sighs.]

See? It's shorter than your fingertips.

What the hell is happening? - She wants to ruin my life.

- The school dress code says that all bottoms must extend past the fingertips.

It's close enough, and they don't even check.

Well, I am not wasting good money on something that you can't wear to school.

Then I'll wear it on weekends.

Go try on something else.

[sighs.]

I'll get it for her.

I don't mind wasting my money.

MISSY: Please? Fine.

But you are not wearing it to school, and you are not wearing it without tights.

MISSY: Love you.

Hey, I'm the one paying for it.

MISSY: Love you more.

[chuckles.]

Hear that? [knock on door.]

- Hey, Tom.

You wanted to see me? - Yeah.

Why don't you shut the door and have a seat.

The door? This can't be good.

- [exhales.]

- Uh, look, you know your team didn't have a great year.

- I'm aware.

- I'm aware, too, 'cause I've been hearing about it everywhere.

The grocery store, gas station, barbershop.

And I'm only in there, like, 30 seconds, George.

I know people are upset, - but we're gonna turn things around.

- Look, I'm on your side.

But you should know the boosters got pitchforks out.

Not literally, but Charlie Dean owns that feed store, so - Are you saying I'm losing my job? - No.

No, no, I'm saying you just got some fires to put out.

- Well, what am I supposedto do? - Talk to the boosters.

Tell 'em something encouraging.

Yeah.

Got it.

And say it like your job depends on it.

Not that it does.

But it does.

[video game sound effects.]

- [toad croaking.]

- OSCAR: Watch out for the CyberToad.

- What's a CyberToad? - The evil little robot frogs.

Although they're only known as CyberToads in the west.

- In Japan they're known as - MechaGamas.

Can I finish my own thoughts, please? He's very sensitive.

I'm protective of my fun facts, too.

I'm hungry.

You wanna order something? - Chinese? - Little man, you want Chinese? - I don't know.

I've never had Chinese food.

- Really? We get it, like, two, three times a week.

Chinese food three times a week? That seems excessive.

How have you never had an egg roll? Mom, can I please be picked up later? No.

Your meemaw's already on her way.

But the people next door want me to try an egg roll.

MARY: What people? Don't take food from strangers.

They're not strangers.

They're Oscar and Darren.

Well, they're strangers to me.

Well, maybe when Meemaw gets here, she can wait in the car for a few hours.

That is not happening, and you know it.

Can we at least have Chinese food for dinner? I'm making Rice-A-Roni.

- Does that count? - Nothing Chinese ends in "a-roni.

" Well, their loss.

Oh, I know that face.

Heartburn? Gas? What are we working with? Not in the mood, Wayne.

Are you in the mood for Tums? I could hook you up.

[sighs heavily.]

Apparently, the football boosters think I'm not doing my job.

Just 'cause they give a little money to the team A lot of money.

They give some amount of money to the team.

And the new scoreboard.

Okay.

But I-I give my time, my talent, my sweat.

You see any boosters out there doing two-a-day summer practice? - I do not.

- Damn right.

If they really want to help, you know what they could do? Give birth to stronger, faster kids, 'cause theirs ain't cutting it.

You know you're gonna have to talk to them, right? [exhales.]

Yes.

And you know you can't say that stuff about their kids, right? Well, what if it comes up organically? Maybe I should come.

[scoffs.]

I'm not gonna insult their children.

You sure? Okay, come.

- Where's the coffee? - I finished it.

When you finish a pot, you're supposed to make more.

Oh, is that the rule? It is for him.

Why are you reading my paper? Well, pardon me for keeping up on events of the day.

- Tomorrow's headline: Father Strangles Son.

- Good luck.

My horoscope says "things are looking up.

" Well, don't you look nice.

Nice and boring, thanks to you.

Is everyone gonna be crabby today? I've been a delight.

Dad, can we just leave? I haven't had my coffee yet.

I'll give you a ride.

Thanks.

Where are the damn filters? They're in the cabinet, where they always are.

These two, fighting like the Serbs and Croatians in Bosnia.

["Long Way Up" by Jailhouse playing.]

Mom make you wear that? Yeah.

She did the same thing to me with pleated khakis.

I looked like Pastor Jeff.

Well, she doesn't know that I brought a change.

Good for you.

- I tried cutting the khakis into shorts.

- Did it help? No.

I looked like Sheldon.

That's tragic.

GEORGE SR.

: You never get any glory without a little pain.

I know we've had our share lately, but we've got the pieces in place for next year.

With your support, we're gonna make it happen.

I think we can agree that our boys are in good hands here.

So thanks for coming out.

Go, Wolves.

I got a question.

- Go ahead, Roy.

- That game against Tyler.

What in the hell were you thinking punting with a minute 24 on the clock? That's a fair question.

Sure is.

That was a tough one.

But our offense was giving up 30 pounds to everyone across the line.

And we had a quarterback who had an uneasy relationship with with holding onto the ball.

So you're blaming our kids? - Well - No.

- No? - No.

No.

Look, they're great kids.

A lot of heart.

They were getting killed out there.

It's a coach's job to know when to pull back.

So your strategy is to surrender.

- That's not what I'm saying.

- You know who don't surrender? That new coach they got up at Carthage.

- You know he played for the Packers.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on.

He played for two minutes and broke his collarbone, and that was his career.

Well, that's two minutes more than you played.

[laughter.]

Help me.

Vince Lombardi never played for the pros.

So now this clown is Vince Lombardi? [laughter.]

I'm not Lombardi, but I don't need to put up with this crap.

Wait, what I think we're all seeing is the passion - that Coach Cooper brings to the field.

- No, what you're seeing is me running out of patience.

Meeting's over.

Oh, there it is.

- The Cooper Surrender.

- [laughter.]

- The Cooper Surrender! - Bye-bye.

Straight up, now tell me Do you really want to love me forever? Oh, oh, oh Or am I caught in a hit and run? Straight up, now tell me Is it gonna be you and me together? Oh, oh, oh Or are you just having fun? [sniffles.]

What's the matter? [voice cracking.]

: Everything.

Did somebody die? No.

Then we can fix it.

Come on.

Come on.

I was wearing the new skirt, and I felt really good.

Cute skirt.

Thanks.

Your legs are so hairy.

- Ew.

- Gross.

- Those bitches.

- Thank you.

Is that why you got on sweat pants? It gets worse.

Oh, boy.

I came home, and I was in the bathroom, and I saw Mom's leg razor.

Oh, no.

Please tell me you also saw shaving cream.

- I didn't.

- Soap? Water? Lotion? Anything? [knock on door.]

Hey, it's Darren.

Hello.

Any chance you play Dungeons and Dragons? And how.

I once created a campaign set in 1940s London where Alan Turing was a character, and I had the mathematicians be magic users with theorems instead of spells.

The intelligence officers were clerics "Yes" works.

We're playing tonight and we're down a magic user.

You in? When are you playing? We start at 7:00.

We'll go till whenever.

My mom didn't let me stay past 6:00 yesterday.

- She'll never let me stay till "whenever.

" - Bummer.

Mm.

You could play at my house.

- No.

- Bummer.

I've never said that before.

Did it sound cool? - No.

- Bummer.

Oh, before you open that, could you pick up Sheldon - so I can get dinner on? - Do I have to? I'm sorry.

I guess I'll do all the parenting around here.

I'm having a hell of a day.

Can I get five minutes' peace? When do I get five minutes' peace? Honestly, can you just take this one thing off my plate? [phone ringing.]

Hello? Dad, my friends are playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Can I please stay the night in my dorm room? I promise it's safe.

Fine with me.

Thank you.

Bye.

That was easy.

- Who was that? - Sheldon.

He's gonna stay the night in his dorm.

Why would you let him do that? One more thing off your plate.

You did not just tell our son that he could stay the night by himself.

The campus is safe, and he's not by himself, he's with friends.

Friends that we don't know.

What if there is alcohol? Then they're gonna get a lot of fun facts about the history of fermented beverages.

I am serious.

So am I.

How else would I know that monkeys get drunk by eating rotten fruit off the jungle floor? He is not ready for this kind of situation.

Mary, he's a good kid.

He's not gonna drink anything he shouldn't.

And if he cared about peer pressure, he wouldn't wear a bow tie.

I don't know.

I don't think I should.

It's just root beer.

This late in the evening, my mother wouldn't approve.

Okay.

Then again, I didn't think they'd let me stay, - and they did, so maybe it's fine.

- I know, - why don't you roll for it? - Ooh, good idea.

Seventeen.

Guess I'll have it.

We playing? Hold on.

Do you have a coaster? Yeah, it's in the china cabinet.

And where would that be? You're good at Band-Aids.

I've had practice on Sheldon.

He's a fragile boy.

- I don't want to go back to school tomorrow.

- You have to! You can't let them win.

But wear pants.

This is hard to look at.

I heard women in Europe don't shave.

Maybe I should move there.

They also drink warm beer.

They don't know what they're doing.

Will you show me how to do it the right way? Shave? Yeah.

Drink? Your dad's the expert.

Boys have it so easy.

They can be as hairy as they want.

Yeah, but they gotta walk around being dumb and smelly all the time.

Who wants that? So I have to shave forever, then marry someone who's dumb and smelly? Not necessarily, but there's a good chance.

That's depressing.

That's where the drinking comes in.

Where you going? To get our son.

Mary, leave him alone.

He's fine.

We have no idea who he's with, and you don't even care.

You're right.

Do whatever you want.

What is your problem? Doesn't matter.

Hey.

[sighs.]

If something is going on, tell me.

[sighs.]

They're coming after me at work.

Who? The boosters.

They want a new coach.

Are you getting fired? I don't know.

Maybe.

Don't you have to go? I'm sorry.

Thank you.

"You open the gate of the crypt, and you see two identical elven princesses.

" Sheldon, what do you do? I-I don't feel so good.

What's going on? My stomach hurts.

How much did you eat? Well Dude.

I need to lie down.

[groans.]

Oh, I don't want to throw up.

We don't want you to throw up.

- If he throws up, I throw up.

- Well, what should we do? I don't know.

Why are you asking me? You're the closest to a mom here.

I don't know.

Call his mom.

Oh, no, don't call my mom.

She'll never let me do this again.

- [groaning.]

- Get him something to throw up in.

No, not the Skittles.

Here, here.

Here.

Next door there's an emergency Alka-Seltzer tablet in my bathroom medicine chest.

You have a bathroom? Why does he get a bathroom? Go throw up in your own bathroom.

I don't know if I can make it.

[groans.]

- [Sheldon groaning.]

- Get his door! It's locked.

Key.

- I'm not gonna make it.

- Please make it.

What is going on? Sheldon, are you okay? My stomach hurts.

He's gonna throw up.

Did you give him beer? Did they give you beer?! SHELDON: Just root beer.

MARY: It's gonna be okay, baby.

- [Sheldon throws up.]

- MARY: Oh Why is it so colorful? SHELDON: Too many Skittles.

[retches.]